A Great And Terrible Beauty: A Busy Reader's Guide
by ThreeOranges
Summary: A slightly slashy parody of the novels A Great And Terrible Beauty and Rebel Angels, with The Sweet Far Thing as Chapter 3, just added as of 220908
1. Chapter 1: A Great And Terrible Beauty

Notes: all characters and events are the intellectual property of Libba Bray. The following is a parody of events in the novel "A Great And Terrible Beauty".

NECESSARY WARNINGS: **DO NOT READ IF UNFAMILIAR WITH THE PLOT: CONTAINS SPOILERS!!** Also contains slash, which means there are unsubtle hints that a couple of the characters might be gay. If you hate slash, please don't read! If you like or don't mind slash, please proceed. Also, as of 18 August 2007, this parody has been lightly edited as it previously gave offence.

**A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY (A Quick Guide for the Busy Reader)**  
**By ThreeOranges**

**Bombay, India, 21 June 1895**

GEMMA DOYLE: Great. My sixteenth birthday, and I'm spending it in the midst of flies, cobras and heat so hellishly oppressive I feel like I'm roasting over an open fire. Thanks a whole bunch, Mom.

(Mysterious Indian Men. Circe. Amulet. Sulk. Dreadful Visions. Equally Dreadful Reality.)

GEMMA: Happy birthday to me. Not.

**London, two months later**

POMPOUS OLDER BROTHER: Ahh, Victoria Station! Careful not to get too close to the disgusting proles, Gemma dear. Oh, and do lower the carriage blinds as we pass through the East End slums.

GEMMA: I've seen slums before in India, I'm into poverty tourism... (peers out)

VISION OF A CREEPY LITTLE GIRL: I've got a dolly. Want to see my dolly? She's called HORRIBLE DEVOURING DARKNESS AND DEATH.

GEMMA: OK, after _that _I'm hiding under the seat for the rest of the journey. Tell me when we get there.

MRS NIGHTWING: Welcome to Spence Academy, Miss Doyle! Since you're nice and tall, we'll be putting you in the room with the low ceiling. We've also added in a spare scholarship student, so that in case of extreme cold you may roll her against the door and use her as a draught-excluder.

ANN: Hello. I'm ugly and poor and everyone despises me. I despise myself too. Go on and kick me, everyone else does.

FELICITY & PIPPA: We're the Bitchy Popular Set - we're rich, catty, beautiful, and most girls would kill to be even a fraction as glamorous as us. We also wreck the poorer students' lives on a whim.

GEMMA: I can't believe you two! If I hadn't saved Ann, her employment prospects would have been ruined forever!

F&P: Teeheeheehee!

GEMMA: I would rather _eat glass _than hang around with bitches like you.

F&P: OK, what would you say if we gave you a chance to be in with us?

GEMMA: I'd say, HELL YES! Let me be part of your uber-coolness!

FELICITY: OK, all you need to do is steal the communion wine from the Chapel at the dead of night.

**The Chapel, at Dead of Night**

GIRLS: (locking GEMMA in the Chapel) Teeheeheehee!

GEMMA: I can't believe I fell for that.

KARTIK: Neither can I.

GEMMA: AAAAH!! Who the hell are you?

KARTIK: I'm from Bombay, and I've been sent by my top-secret organization to watch over you.

GEMMA: But how did you know I'd be in the Chapel tonight? You couldn't have followed me in!

KARTIK: Oh, the Reverend and I regularly meet up here after dark for... a "friendly chat". Yes. Anyway, he'll be here soon, so you can slip out behind him.

THE REVD. WAITE: Oh, Kartik? Yoohoo? Where are you, my little studmuffin?

GEMMA: "Studmuffin"?

KARTIK: I think you'd better go, and I'll... distract him. Yes. "Distract" him. Ahem.

VISION OF A CREEPY LITTLE GIRL: Coo-ee! Follow me!

GEMMA: I must be mad to do this... (follows LITTLE GIRL, finds MARY DOWD's Diary)

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: "I wants ter make yer flesh creep!"

GEMMA: I'm going to bed.

**Daylight**

FELICITY & THE BITCH SET: Good morning, Gemma! Sleep well, did we?

GEMMA: frzzrbrzzrgrmbls

MISS MOORE: Good morning class! Today's lesson shall be about a revolting Male Chauvinist Porker who wrote a poem which gave women the choice of Imprisonment or Death. He was wrong! Thank you.

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: "Today my bestest friend Sarah Rees-Toome and I entered the Fourth World, through the portal of the Clouds..."

GEMMA: Oh no you don't, Diary! I've seen _Heavenly Creatures_! What did you do next, bash in Sarah's mother's head with a brick in a stocking?

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Something like that (sigh)

GEMMA: Mom?... Oh my goodness, Felicity, what _are_ you doing?

FELICITY: I'm "doing" a hot young Gypsy stud, you moron!

MRS NIGHTWING: Oh giiiirls? Where are yooou?

FELICITY: Help! Help! My honour! My dress! My reputation! Gemma, help me! Help!

KARTIK: (appears from behind a caravan) Hey, Ithal! Come back to the caravan, will you? I need some of your... "personal attentions". Yes. Ahem.

ITHAL: Anything you say, studmuffin! (leaves)

FELICITY & GEMMA: "Studmuffin"?

GEMMA: I need to do this in order to save you! (pushes FELICITY in the lake)

FELICITY: Liar, you did it because you hate my guts.

GEMMA: Teeheeheehee!

**Another Art Lesson**

MISS MOORE: Good morning class! Today's lesson will be held in a bunch of caves beside a perilous chasm, in which I will be teaching about legends, myths and purely hypothetical ancient all-female societies who lived life on their own terms. Thank you!

FELICITY: I think we ought to have our own society! We'll escape from our posh boarding-school, meet in the caves at night, and be wildly unconventional!

GEMMA: You realize that if we do we'll have the lawyers from _Dead Poets Society_ all over our collective ass?

MISS MOORE: I forgot to tell you girls - Carpe Diem! Seize The Day!

GEMMA: sigh

**The Caves, at Dead of Night**

FELICITY: OK, so we lost Cecily and Elizabeth in order to incorporate this little scholarship loser. This had better be worth it, Doyle.

WHISKEY BOTTLE: After a few gulps of me, _anything's_ worth it.

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: "In the Realms we can do anything, be anything, control time, assume invisibility..."

WHISKEY BOTTLE: Nope, sorry, even _I_ can't make that stuff sound plausible.

OBSCENE DRAWING: Out of the way, amateurs! Nothing like a bit of porn to have a profound effect on the developing female libido!

FELICITY: (slurps Ann's cheek) When I grow up, I'm going to be such a slut.

ANN: "Going to be"?

FELICITY: Shut it, Scholarship.

**The Caves, The Next Night**

PIPPA: Argh! An ugly middle-aged man with a silly Dickensian name wants to marry me! Nightmare!

FELICITY: You could always pretend to be a Sapphist? They're the sort of women who prefer women to men.

PIPPA: Ewwww!

GEMMA: Ewwww!

ANN: (goes very very quiet and doesn't look anyone in the eye)

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: "Sarah says we can bind a dark and powerful creature from the Realms and make it do our will! I think this is a marvellous idea, and that we have an excellent chance of success."

PIPPA: Let's all have a SEANCE! Join hands, people! Join hands!

ALL THE GIRLS: Whoa. That whisky is certainly powerful stuff.

FELICITY: Let's go skinny-dipping in the lake! Because autumn nights in England are so overpoweringly _hot_, you know!

PIPPA: Let's get naked!

ANN: I'll just sit here and watch you all - I mean, I'll just sit here and keep a watch. Yes. Ahem.

**The Next Morning**

(Catfight. Epileptic Fit. Gemma Has Guilt.)

GEMMA: Hey, wait... Where's the Class Portrait for 1871?

MRS NIGHTWING: It's not important.

GEMMA: No, sorry, I've seen _The Wicker Man_. Missing photos in a sequence are always important.

MRS NIGHTWING: OK, it was when Sarah Rees-Toome and Mary Dowd died in the fire which destroyed the East Wing. Really, dear, if you wanted to know you just had to ask.

GARRULOUS IRISH MAID: Ooh, such dreadful evil girls they was too, Miss! Goin' on about murder, an' kissin' each other on the lips, and the like!

ANN: What was that about "kissing each other"?

GEMMA: You're not in this scene, Ann, kindly butt out.

**Much Later**

(Mad Gypsy Woman. Visions. Inadvertent Visit to the Realms, care of a fake seance)

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Beware of Circe!

GEMMA: Who's Circe?

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: You don't need to know yet, my dear. All in good time.

GEMMA: Mom, don't get all Dumbledore on me. How exactly is being ignorant going to "protect" me?

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: La-de-la-laa, I can't hear you... Anyway, meet me back here later. Toodles!

**Later That Night**

PIPPA: You're sure your mother won't mind the three of us gatecrashing your Touching Reunion?

GEMMA: Look, I'm sure she'll realize that when you're my age, you'll do _anything_ to be popular. Besides, I have that picture of the woman and the swan as inspiration!

PIPPA: The woman having sexual relations with the swan?

GEMMA: Yes, that one. Hold on, girls, here we go!

GIRLS: WHOA!

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Hello, my dear! Have an infodump about The Order, the Realms and the inadvisability of eating the fruit. Though, of course, I shall carefully omit any helpful information about Mary Dowd and Sarah Rees-Toome. Bye now!

**Next Day**

MISS MOORE: Good morning, girls! Today's class will be an opportunity for me to look mysterious and hint at dark choices. Thank you!

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Meanwhile, back at the Realms, we're going to go all Mirror of Erised on you! Just wish for your heart's desire...

(Enter a KNIGHT in shining armour)

PIPPA: Well, hello there! (winks lewdly) I'm just heading off with my new friend - see you later, girls!

(Enter a HUNTRESS in her birthday suit)

ANN: Well, hello there! (winks lewdly) I'm just off for a walk with my new friend, ta-ta for now!

FELICITY: Sorry Ann, she's part of MY wish for strength. You wished for _beauty_, remember?

ANN: So I did. Hmph.

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Oh and whatever you do, don't even touch the Runes. The Runes are extremely powerful and NOT to be messed with, EVER.

GEMMA: So, if we wanted to mess with them, what would we have to do?

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Oh, just put your hands on them and you can bring the Magic back into the Real World. Just imagine what you could do with all that power! Except you mustn't, of course.

GIRLS: Oh no, of course not. Noooo. Would we do a thing like that? etc.

**Assembly Day**

POMPOUS OLDER BROTHER: Appearances, Gemma! Ignore Father, he's not ill at all, and forget all about Mother's death even though it was a bare five months ago. Appearances, appearances, appearances!

ANN: Is that young man your brother? Oh, isn't he _nice_!

GEMMA: Ann, please don't try to make my brother into your beard - we all know which way _you_ swing!

BARTLEBY BUMBLE: Dear Miss Pippa, permit me to caress your knuckles with my moistened lips and full growth of Manly Victorian Moustache.

PIPPA: Permit me to void my stomach into the rose-bushes.

CECILY: (spoils Ann's pathetic hope of "passing" as a rich girl)

FELICITY: (does her crying in the rain)

GEMMA: OK, girls, today officially sucked. I think it's time to play with the fabric of space and time, and potentially rupture the barrier that holds Evil back from global dominance, in order to procure some cheap feel-good thrills for ourselves. Who's with me?

GIRLS: Bring it on!

**The next day**

GIRLS: Wow! We have UNLIMITED POWER!! What will we do with our UNLIMITED POWER?!?

FELICITY: I'm going to... put BOOBS on a male figurine!

GEMMA: I'm going to... speak perfect French!

FELICITY: I'm going to... silence someone I don't like!

(READER: I suppose it could be worse; just imagine what they'd have been using their power for if they'd been teenage _boys_.)

ANN: I'm going to... see what Cecily and Elizabeth look like naked!

(READER: OK, now I don't need to imagine. Thanks so much, Ann.)

MISS MOORE: What's all this, ladies? Ah, What's that book you have there? "The Diary of Mary Dowd"?

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: "Dear Diary, Today I killed a young girl, caused the death of the Headmistress and burned down half the school. The End."

MISS MOORE: Most interesting.

GEMMA: Is that it? All you can say is "Most interesting", when we've just shown you a document that explains the entire mystery about the burnt East Wing and the vanished Headmistress?

MISS MOORE: (enigmatic smile)

**The Next Visit to The Realms**

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Hello, my dear!

GEMMA: Hello, child murderer.

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Oh. You know.

GEMMA: Yes, a few handy clues lobbed my way like shuttlecocks revealed that Circe was Sarah Rees-Toome, and you were Mary Dowd.

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Look, Gemma, no parent is perfect...

GEMMA: "Perfect" I didn't expect, but I thought "Not a child killer" wasn't too much to ask. Buzz off Mom, and if I never see you again, bye, it's been scary.

**Back at Spence**

MISS NIGHTWING: Who is responsible for this disgusting "Diary" found amongst your things?

GIRLS (except GEMMA): Miss Moore! It was all Miss Moore's fault!

GEMMA: I don't believe it - we really have turned into "Dead Poets Society" (sees MISS MOORE leaving in disgrace) Oh Captain! My Captain!

MISS MOORE: Get down off your desk, Gemma, it's not going to help matters. But thank you for the sentiment, and let's stay in touch.

GEMMA: Of course! (pause) But hang on, Miss Moore, you haven't given me an address in London. How will I find you?

MISS MOORE: Maybe I'll find _you_ (enigmatic smile)

**That night**

FELICITY: Not taking us back to the Realms then, Doyle?

GEMMA: Sorry, no. Never again. Hey, I brought the magic _out of the Realms _so we could use it here, what more do you want?

FELICITY: POWAAHHHHH!!!

GEMMA: Excuse me?

FELICITY: All the three of us have to do is get naked, kill something and the power of the Realms will be ours!

(One dead deer and three naked, blood-splattered girls later)

GEMMA: Look at you lot. "Grace, charm and beauty", my ass.

FELICITY: OK, deer is obviously not a suitable sacrifice... AHA! What say we move onto that cute Indian guy hiding in the undergrowth? Prepare to DIE!

KARTIK: OW!

GEMMA: Felicity, stop trying to kill my cute stalker! I'll take you all, just don't say I didn't warn you...

**The Realms**

HUNTRESS: Come to me, my pretty ones! Come to me! GRRRAAAAGGGHHH!!!

GEMMA: I _told_ you...

PIPPA: Argh! Help! Don't leave me here! (falls into the water)

**Back at Spence**

FELICITY: Gemma! Why didn't you save Pippa before bringing us back home? (crying) You left her there! You did it!

GEMMA: I love these accusations of heartlessness, they're great coming from someone who tried to kebab Kartik with a pointed stick not an hour ago.

ANN: But you must save her, Gemma! You must!

GEMMA: Yes, I know I must. Would either of you care to accompany me back there on the rescue mission?

FELICITY & ANN: Are you _kidding_?!?

GEMMA: Thanks girls, I knew I could count on you.

**The Realms, Again**

VISION OF MRS DOYLE: Hello, my dear! If you want to save Pippa, all you have to do is touch the Runes, then hold my hand... (VISION changes into that of a SATANIC TEMPTER MONSTER) Hahahahaha! YOU SUCKER!!

GEMMA: I can't believe I fell for that one, either.

TEMPTER: (Biblical Satan-in-the-Wilderness spiel) All of this can be yours!!

GEMMA: Suppose I just smash the Runes instead?

TEMPTER: ARRRRGGGHHH!

GEMMA: Phew, Pippa, you're safe! We're heading home, right now.

PIPPA: No thanks, despite having just seen horrific monsters and nearly drowning, I'd rather stay here (eats berries)

GEMMA: Ohhh, right, I just got it... "Pippa" is short for _Persephone_, right?

PIPPA: Bingo. Give my regards to the girls, and tell them that I'll be beautiful and live in paradise for ever and ever.

GEMMA: I won't, actually - if I did, they'd just hate your guts.

PIPPA: That's the _point_! Teeheeheehee!

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: You know, I know Pippa died, and I'm still not sure whether what I saw was ever my mother or not, and I think I _may_ have unleashed forces of death and destruction on the world by smashing those Runes... But, overall, I feel better. And I think I learned things.

READER: What sorts of things?

GEMMA: Well... That women shouldn't try to move out of their preordained places in the universe, otherwise bad things happen... and that women shouldn't be ambitious and try to get power and independence for themselves, because that's just evil... Oh wait. Hang on a minute. Haven't I just spent 383 pages learning that the Know-Your-Place oppressiveness of the Victorian era was a Good Thing after all?

**THE END**


	2. Chapter 2: Rebel Angels

**Author's note:** I thought I'd get this "Rebel Angels" parody finished and posted up before the publication of "The Sweet Far Thing". I'm very sorry this took me so long - like, ELEVEN MONTHS! - but it found it very hard to slim such a vast book down into a coherent parody. Oh, and **there is slash in this parody**, as per the last one, so be warned

I also thought that the situation as described in the novel bore certain affinities with current American foreign policy. You'll see what I mean when you read it. Thanks as ever to Sheila B for her encouragement.

**Rebel Angels: A Quick Guide For The Busy Reader**

**(Or, How To Be An Imperialist, American-Style)**

**By ThreeOranges**

**At the Top Secret Rakshana Tribunal**

LEADER: Looks like you've royally screwed up here, studmuffin.

THE REST OF THE RAKSHANA: "Studmuffin"?

LEADER: _Kartik_, I mean _Kartik_. Ahem. Anyway, we're finished with Plan A - which involved us all sitting around on our hands until something really bad happened - and moved onto Plan B.

KARTIK: Which is?

LEADER: Simple! Kartik seduces the girl, gets her to solve the crisis in the Realms and tricks her into handing the Realms over to us. Then - because the ancient and mystic meaning of the word "Rakshana" is "Treacherous Rat Bastards" - Kartik will kill her for us in a grand finale.

KARTIK: So that's your Plan B, is it? Well, I refuse! Absolutely not! No way!

LEADER: Just do it!

KARTIK: But, me?... Seduce a _girl_?!?

**Meanwhile, back at Spence, Christmas 1895**

GEMMA: Oh goody, Christmas! And here are my dearest friends Ann and Felicity, with whom I have such a deep bond of friendship!

ANN: I'm so glad you still want to be friends with us, Gemma - I mean, considering that last term we ganged up on you...

GEMMA: Oh shucks, forget it!

ANN: ...Got your favourite teacher unjustly fired to save our own asses...

GEMMA: No worries!

ANN: ...Bashed a deer's brains out, made a blood sacrifice to the Powers of Evil...

GEMMA: Water under the bridge!

FELICITY: Well that's great. Personally, I think of you as my drug dealer, and it's about time you gave me my fix of the Realms.

GEMMA: But don't you remember the huntress turning into a soul-sucking fiend? The ravening cloud-monsters? The hair's-breadth escape from eternal thraldom to the Forces of Darkness?

FELICITY & ANN: Water under the bridge! C'mon, let's go back, it'll be fun!

GEMMA: NO.

**One Morning**

ANN: Oh look, we have a new teacher!

NEW TEACHER: Good morning girls! My name is Claire McCleethy, and I'm here to look highly untrustworthy and gaze at Gemma's symbolic pendant menacingly. Thank you!

**Embarrassing Victorian Pantomime**

(Vision of Three Very Creepy Girls. Clifftop. Faceless Woman in Cloak.)

GEMMA: Oh, _yuck_. "The Curse has come upon me, cried the Lady of Shallot."

**Charming Winter Scene**

(Snowball fight. Sudden appearance of Kartik.)

GEMMA: Oh look, it's my Cute Stalker! Hello, Cute Stalker!

KARTIK: Bad news, I'm afraid. Remember how you let the power loose in the distant exotic Realms, so that anyone who wanted it could have it?

GEMMA: Yes?

KARTIK: Well, I'm afraid the oil - I mean, the "power" - is extremely precious, and if you leave it there in this far-off land then people who don't agree with you will use it to gain control. Do you want these people with a different belief system to your own to have so much power?

GEMMA: Of course not! In the first place, how will those savages know how to behave if rich over-privileged white people don't show them? In the second place, how can I feel safe if I'm not unquestionably top dog? I know! I'll invade the Realms, and seize control of the oil - I mean, "the power"! After all, I can't trust any of _them_! I deserve to have complete control of it!

(READER: Is this making the political point I think it is?)

GEMMA: Hey, one of my parents invaded once, so I figure I can do the same!

(READER: headdesks)

**In the Realms**

GIRLS: Wow! We're back in the Realms! And look, there's Pippa!

PIPPA: Hi, guys!

FELICITY: How've you been?

PIPPA: It sucks here. No really, it does! No people, no shops, no restaurants, no new dresses, no music - not even a _book_ to read, for crying out loud!

ANN: You? Read books?

PIPPA: Look, you get my point. And the knight in shining armour was a dead loss too, I've ditched him. But hey, you can come and visit me so I don't get bored? Promise?

ANN: Sure! And also, Pippa, I really need to "go"... Where are the bathrooms 'round here?

PIPPA: Yes, that's _another_ problem with the Realms.

ALL: Ewwwwww!!

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: ...Right girls, now we're back home at Spence, listen up. Since the Realms are so volatile and unstable right now, I'm putting a strict embargo on access to the Realms and use of the Power. Are we clear on that?

ANN: (creates a ruby out of thin air)

FELICITY: (floats up to the ceiling)

GEMMA: Oh _thanks_, guys.

FELICITY: Oh, stop moaning! I've just had a brilliant idea. We'll claim that Scholarship here is the Countess Fakina Phoneyovna, second cousin to the Tsar himself! That way, we can drag her 'round the dinners and balls of high society and they'll have no idea they're talking to some vulgar little poor person.

GEMMA: And when it all goes horribly wrong for Ann, you'll admit it was all your idea and save her from disgrace, right?

FELICITY: Are you _kidding_?

**At Victoria Station**

(Gemma gets followed by a creepy man with a helpfully-scarred face, bumps into a stranger)

GEMMA: Oops, sorry.

SIMON: No worries! Shall we have a conversation?

BOTH: (awkward silence)

GEMMA: Yeah, whatever. I'm not fussed.

BOTH: (awkward silence)

POMPOUS OLDER BROTHER: Why hello there, the Honourable Simon Middleton! How fare the Viscount and Lady Denby?

GEMMA: He's the son of a VISCOUNT? He has a TITLE? OH WOW! THIS IS AMAZING! LET ME FAWN ALL OVER YOU, RICH AND TITLED PERSON WHO I'VE JUST NOTICED IS ALSO AMAZINGLY GOOD-LOOKING!

SIMON: Charmed, I'm sure. Want to come to dinner?

GEMMA: Marry me, you gorgeous aristo!

MISS MOORE: Why hello, Gemma! What an amazing coincidence that we should bump into each other here! Here's my address in Baker Street, see you soon! Bye now!

**Visit To Baker Street**

MISS MOORE: Well, hello girls! Come in, all of you! Really, I don't mind at all that the three of you framed me and had me dismissed in disgrace!

GEMMA: Gosh, you're so nice to us. Why are you so nice to us?

MISS MOORE: (enigmatic smile)

**Back to the Realms**

PIPPA: Hi guys! Look what I've got here - a ship, with a Gorgon figurehead!

GEMMA: Wow! A Gorgon! But hang on, don't you turn people to stone with your unbearably hideous face?

GORGON: No. Thatssssss Annssss job.

ANN: _Oi!_ Watch it!

GORGON: (tour guide) And thatsssssss the place where the Order and the Raksssshana used to get it on. Not that thisssss issss any kind of foreshadowing of whatsssss going to happen with you and Kartik, of coursssse.

GEMMA: Oh no, not at all. Anyway, now I'm here I think I shall start forming alliances with the various tribes in Iraq - I mean, "the Realms". First up, Philon!

CENTAUR: _Humans!_ We centaurs don't trust humans!

GEMMA: Yeah, this is so _Harry Potter_ I'm bored already. Take me to your leader, please?

PHILON: "I'm just a Sweet Transvestite... From Transexual... Tran-sylvan-i-yah-hah!"

GEMMA: Greetings, Sweet Transvestite! I see you are an arms dealer? Well, I require munitions for the forthcoming battle with Saddam, I mean, Circe!

PHILON: Excellent! What would you like? We have uranium-tipped warheads, rocket launchers, general WMD -

GEMMA: How generous of you, to help us so fulsomely when we have no money to pay you!

PHILON: Ah. In that case, you can take that bow and those arrows from the 99-cent bargain rack. Shut the door on your way out.

**Back in the Real World**

(Party draws to a close, LADY DENBY is obnoxious)

FELICITY: Watch this!

LADY DENBY: (breaks wind loudly)

HALF THE GUESTS: (pass out)

FELICITY: I shall never be powerless again!

GEMMA: You know, I'm somewhat worried by your definition of the word "power"?

FELICITY: Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

**Back at Home**

POMPOUS OLDER BROTHER: I must admit, I'm a bit annoyed with Papa - I really don't think he should hire Studmuffin - I mean, hire _a foreigner_ as our driver.

GEMMA: Eh? What was that?

POMPOUS OLDER BROTHER: Oh nothing, nothing. Forget I said anything. Ahem.

GEMMA: _Kartik_?!?!?

KARTIK IN STABLE LEATHERS: Hey Tom, when you said "tack down that stud" I thought you meant... Oh hello, Gemma. How are you?

GEMMA: Hmmmph! (leaves)

ANN: Oh look, it's your brother! Gosh, isn't he NICE!

GEMMA: Ann, I've been meaning to ask... How come you like my brother so much? Everyone else in the world thinks he's a charmless, gold-digging oaf with the IQ of a week-old cabbage!

ANN: Oh, you know how it is, when you really fancy someone and you can't have them, you go after their sibling instead?

GEMMA: Eh? What was that?

ANN: Oh nothing, nothing. Forget I said anything. Ahem.

**Anagram Time**

GEMMA: Oh my goodness, when you anagram "Claire McCleethy" you get "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!" Miss McCleethy is Circe! She's the one who killed my mother and corrupted her spirit!

ANN: That's awful! What are you going to do?

GEMMA: Oh. I was thinking we'd just carry on as usual.

FELICITY: You don't want revenge for your mother's death? You don't want to knock her out, tie her up and prevent her from ever doing this stuff again?

GEMMA: Naah, I don't need to go after Osama, I mean Circe! I'm more interested in invading and conquering the Realms, they're what's important right now.

(READER: headdesks)

**A Night At The Opera**

SIMON: (at the door of the carriage) Why, how ravishing you look!

GEMMA: Why thank you! I got your necklace -

SIMON: Not you, your driver! (nudges KARTIK) Doing anything tonight, Hot Buns?

GEMMA: (fumes)

FELICITY: Realms! Now!

PIPPA: Why hello, guys! Ignore the rotting fly-blown goat carcass in the corner, and let's get into the ship for the next part of our adventure!

GEMMA: Looks to me like you're _eating_ that thing, Pip.

PIPPA: Could you please show me where I can get _normal food_ round here?

GEMMA: I see your point.

GORGON: And next on our tour of the Realms are the Untouchablesssssss.

ASHA: Hi ladies! Henna Tattoos, on Special Offer today! All we require in return is that once you've taken control, you give us some Power and leave the Realms to the care of its inhabitants.

GEMMA: Oh, we will! This won't be a long-term occupation, I have an Exit Strategy planned!

READER: (Yeah. _Sure_ you do.)

GEMMA: Just make sure you keep calling me grovelly titles like "Lady Hope" and "Most High", now! Because I just can't get enough of that obsequious worship.

(Girls return to the Opera, bump into CECILY)

CECILY: So this is the Countess Fakina Phoneyovna, is it? Ohhh, let me tell you all about her! She's a complete -

GEMMA: _IMPERIO!!!_

CECILY: - Wonderful, kind girl whom I am pleased to call a friend. Braaaaains.

FELICITY: You're SO going to Azkaban for that one.

GEMMA: Oh, hush you! I've read _Harry Potter_, so I know that using Unforgivables is only wrong when 'bad people' do it. Now let's all go flying through the night sky past Big Ben!

ANN: But won't the lawyers for _Peter Pan_ -

GEMMA: Naaah, it's out of copyright so we can't be sued. Go us!

**A Visit To Bedlam**

GEMMA: Hello! You must be Nell Hawkins? I understand that you met Miss McCleethy and she sent you stark raving mad, but nonetheless I am confident that you'll be able to assist me in my quest.

NELL: Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep... Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn! Little Jack Horner sat in the corner! This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home! Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle...

GEMMA: You're not going to be any help at all, are you?

NELL: Pop goes the weasel!

**Party at Simon's**

SIMON: Want some absinthe? You know, the nasty green stuff that tastes like raw sewage and causes brain damage?

FELICITY: Gimme!

ANN: Erm...

GEMMA: You're too kind! (samples) Oh my, the room is spinning!

SIMON: Let me lead you away from the party, walk you upstairs and sit you down on the bed, where I can ignore your refusals and take full advantage of your unresisting state. There; you don't need this silly dress any more, do you?

GEMMA: (projectile vomits)

SIMON: Ah. Must be a side-effect of the alcohol.

GEMMA: No, it was a side-effect of YOU. Get lost, you date-rape creep!

**Return from the Realms**

LETTER: Dear Gemma, Don't trust Miss McCleethy. Sincerely, Hester Asa Moore.

GEMMA: "Hester _Ass_ Moore"?

LETTER: That would be ASA. Hester ASA Moore.

GEMMA: Oh dear, and now I have to go rescue my father from an opium den! Time for me to dress as a man!

KARTIK: (eyepop) OK, _now_ I fancy you.

**Search for the Temple**

GEMMA: I think we should go this way!

NELL: STICK TO THE PATH! STICK TO THE PATH!

GEMMA: Nope, still going this way I'm afraid.

NELL: What part of "STICK TO THE PATH" don't you understand?

GEMMA: But I can't go _that way_! That way looks all bristly and disgusting! I'd much rather stroll to that nice gold temple over there!

NELL: You chose... POORLY.

(Enter a bunch of ragged, long-haired guys with heavy eye make-up)

FELICITY: What's an '80s glam-rock band doing in the Realms?

CHIEF SMACKHEAD: Silence! We are the Incredibly Camp Warriors! We terrorize the Realms in search of limitless power, wanton destruction and waterproof mascara!

DEPUTY SMACKHEAD: We also do covers of Marillion and AC/DC classics. Available for weddings, parties, Bar Mitzvahs...

CHIEF SMACKHEAD: Silence!! We're going to menace you, poppets. Can you bear to imagine the seething atrocity of what's in store for you?

FELICITY: Eat arrow, junkie! (twang) Mess with me, mess with my homicidal rage.

GEMMA & ANN: (backing away) We believe you.

**Crisis On Shore**

THE GIRLS: Help! Help! Ann's been taken by the water nymphs! What shall we do?

GEMMA: Every moment is precious, and so...

FELICITY: ...Let's get in the ship and follow them?

GEMMA: My master plan...

FELICITY: ...Is getting in the ship and following them?

GEMMA: ...Is to go and fetch Miss Moore! She'll know what to do!

FELICITY: But Gemma, she's never been in the Realms! She's got no power of her own, she'll have no idea of what to do either, and meanwhile the precious minutes left to Ann will tick away!

GEMMA: Oh no, I'm _sure_ she'll be useful! Now just wait a couple of hours whilst I go and get her!

MISS MOORE: What is this wondrous place? How amazing! I think... We should get in the ship and follow them!

GORGON: Jusssst what you would have done anyway. Marvellousssss.

**At the Rocks**

ANN: Wow. This is incredible. I'm stripped to my undergarments, tied up and being fondled all over by a bunch of naked bald ladies. If this is a dream do not, repeat, DO NOT wake me up!

GEMMA: Ann! Psst! Ann! We're here to rescue you!

ANN: Go away!

GEMMA: But you can't trust those water nymphs - they're only after your skin!

ANN: (lewd wink) What makes you think I have a problem with that?

GEMMA: Oh for Pete's sake... (turns to the others) I vote we sail back and leave her there. Agreed?

FELICITY: Agreed.

PIPPA: Agreed.

MISS MOORE: Now now, girls, let's do what we came here for!

ANN: (is rescued) Hate you all.

MISS MOORE: Oh no, what's this I see? A huge ravening monster about to consume me? Go, girls! Save yourselves! Don't worry about meeeeeeeeeeee!

**Return home**

GRANDMOTHER: Shock horror! Unimaginable calamity!... Ann is _not a Russian aristocrat after all_!

GEMMA: Not now, Gran, I haven't got the time. (is abducted) What the -?

HELPFULLY-SCARRED RAKSHANA GUY: Miss Doyle? Say hello to Mr Chloroform Bottle. Now - sweet dreams!

**Rakshana Lair, Seedy End of London**

(Appearance of Kartik. Miss McCleethy Explains It All to Gemma)

GEMMA: So, let me get this straight... Your real name is Sahirah Foster, you made a list of all the girls' schools in England in which "Miss McCleethy" worked her destruction, and you went to the one girls' school she hadn't visited yet... _and used her name as an alias_?

SAHIRAH FOSTER: Clever, wasn't it?

GEMMA: Didn't you realize that's about as 'clever' as going to a Whitechapel boarding-house in 1888 and signing the register as "Jack the Ripper"? Didn't you realize that you ran a high risk of being arrested for "Miss McCleethy"'s crimes, and that if the _real_ "Miss McCleethy" came along and found you posing as her she'd probably try and kill you?

SAHIRAH FOSTER: Oh, I was prepared for that! I was constantly on my guard!

GEMMA: Like heck you were - the three of us tailed you into a bookshop, on a Tube train and a tram and halfway across London, and you were completely oblivious throughout! If we'd been trained assassins you'd be _dead_ by now!

SAHIRAH FOSTER: Well, nobody's dead and there's no harm done. And anyway, I gave you valuable information about the Order, didn't I?

GEMMA: You saw my tell-tale pendant _on the very first day_! If you knew I was crucial to the future of the Realms, why for the love of all that's holy didn't you take me to one side, explain who you were and let me know I had some support? Why, if you knew about the Rakshana's plot to fool and kill me, didn't you _warn me about it before now_??!?

SAHIRAH FOSTER: Um...Er...

GEMMA: You _brain donor_!!!

HELPFULLY-SCARRED RAKSHANA GUY: Oh, stop applying logic to this plotline. Go waste her, Kartik.

KARTIK: Sorry guys, but any girl who looks _this good_ in pants deserves to live!

(Dramatic escape)

GEMMA: Thanks for saving my life and forsaking the Rakshana, Kartik! Now, you'll have to excuse me, I need to go visit the empty residence of my dead teacher. Just because.

KARTIK: Hey, no worries! I don't mind you neglecting me _immediately after_ I've made the ultimate sacrifice for you.

GEMMA: Of course you don't! I had you pegged as a total doormat from the moment I first met you.

KARTIK: Actually, Gemma, that was _sarcasm_.

GEMMA: Was it? Oh well. Bye now!

**At Baker Street**

DR WATSON: Good Lord, Holmes! Do you hear that cry?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: I did, and without looking out of the window I can inform you that it is the sound of a young girl who has just barged into the house of her cherished mentor, a person she believes to be dead. Doodling idly on a spare piece of paper, she has just discovered that her cherished mentor's name is an anagram of "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT". Finally, she understands that she has just handed her worst enemy the keys to a magical realm, and that unimaginable destruction will ensue.

DR WATSON: Brilliant, Holmes!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: It is rather! I must say, life's so much more interesting since I gave up cocaine and switched to LSD...

**Confrontation**

CIRCE: I has a hostage! (displays NELL) Join me in my wickedness, O weak-willed eater of rotting goat's heads!

PIPPA: Okay! (shields CIRCE)

GEMMA: Oh dear, I can't aim at Circe in case I hit Pippa. What _shall_ I do?

(READER: Make a fake bargain with Circe so she'll let Nell go? Get Felicity and Ann to drag Pippa out of the way?)

GEMMA: I know - _I'll shoot Nell!_

NELL: (dies)

(READER: Your idea of resolving a hostage crisis... is _shooting the hostage_? What kind of heartless monster _are_ you?)

GEMMA: Oh hush, you! Killing's only wrong when 'bad people' do it! Anyway, for an encore, I'll be mud-wrestling Circe in that well over there, shoving her head under the surface and calling myself QUEEN OF BLOODY EVERYTHING!

ANN: Great, everything's solved and now we can go home, right?

PIPPA: (turns completely into GOLLUM)

ANN: Ewww!

GEMMA: You're a monster, Pip!

FELICITY: Oh, that's just _fugly_. We're outta here.

PIPPA: No, wait! Wait just one minute! (GIRLS stop and turn around). I'm still Pip! Pippa Cross, your bosom friend! We went through so much together! You wouldn't dump me just because of my new diet and the face... would you?

FELICITY: Face it, Pip, your looks were the only reason we hung around with you. Now they're gone, so are we. Bye, freak.

PIPPA: Screw you guys, I'm going to the Winterlands.

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: Well, we're back. And Ann's been rejected from polite society forever, and there's a huge death sentence on Kartik's head, and Pippa seems to have sworn eternal vengeance on me, but all in all, I feel better. And I think I learned things.

READER: What sort of things?

GEMMA: Well, how about you tell me?

READER: OK, I learned that the title of this book is a total misnomer - it might be called REBEL ANGELS, but in fact the only real "rebels" in it are Sarah Rees-Toome and Pippa Cross, who got told to "toe the line" and who disobeyed. And look what happened to them. So the moral of the story is, shut up and do whatever the person in authority tells you to do, or else.

GEMMA: Oh well, at least I'm the one in authority, aren't I? I'm the Decider! I bound the magic and saved my world from invasion by the evildoers! I fought them over there so I wouldn't have to fight them over here! Mission Accomplished!

READER: "Mission Accomplished", HELL. You do realize that the dissident factions in Iraq, I mean "The Realms", are going to form an alliance with Iran, I mean "The Winterlands", in the next book? You know that all the signs are pointing towards an apocalyptic battle and gargantuan bloodbath, and it's all thanks to _your_ selfish messing around in an area that was relatively stable until _you_ came along?

GEMMA: Oh, I'm sure Libba will sort out the mess in THE SWEET FAR THING and everyone will live happily ever after.

READER: Well if she can sort THIS out, Condoleezza Rice would like a word...

**THE END**


	3. Chapter 3: The Sweet Far Thing

**Author's notes:** OK, here's the last instalment of the "Gemma Doyle Trilogy", rendered in a Busy Reader's Guide for your convenience. That said, I have to state that if you loved TSFT and thought it was the best book in the series, you'll probably hate this parody. Because I had quite a few problems with TSFT, not least what happened to Kartik, and I suspect my dissatisfaction shows here. **Reader warnings for slash – canonical this time! - political commentary, and some totally uncanonical kinky business.** Thanks also to Sheila B for her helpful discussions, particularly what might have happened to the mudlarks with the rubies!

**The Sweet Far Thing: A Quick Guide For The Busy Reader**

**By ThreeOranges**

**Two Scavengers On A Boat, 1893**

SCAVENGER #1: So foul an' fair a night I 'ave not seen.

SCAVENGER #2: Oi! Quit wiv the bleedin' Shakespeare references, mate. We're in a YA novel, not a five-act tragedy!

(LIBBA: That's what YOU think.)

SCAVENGER #2: Now 'elp me dredge up this 'ere dead body. Wot's that bit o' paper in 'er fist say?

SCAVENGER #1: It sez... "The Tree of Awsoles Lives!"

SCAVENGER #2: It sez WOT?

**Spence Academy, Spring 1896**

GEMMA: Goody, I'm back at Spence! And Saddam, I mean Circe, is stuck in a hole in the ground awaiting judgement, and things have quietened down, and I've so enjoyed sitting on my hands for the last few months and doing nothing. Hello, bestest friend Felicity!

FELICITY: Realms. NOW.

GEMMA: Sorry, I can't.

FELICITY: See this? This is me shunning you. Consider yourself so shunned. You can talk to me when you take me back, loser.

GEMMA: I see. Never mind, here comes Ann. Hello, bestest friend Ann!

ANN: Realms. NOW.

GEMMA: But just think of all I've done for you! I gave you friends, status, your first taste of happiness! Remember when I saved you from getting killed and skinned, back in the Realms?

ANN: Yeah, whatever. What have you done for me _lately_?

GEMMA: (to the reader) Don't you just wish you had wonderful friends like mine?

**Back in the Realms**

PIPPA: Why hello, everyone! Please forget all about my menacing death threats in the last book, and meet my patronizing little charity project – I mean, my new working-class protegees! This is Mae, and this is Wendy, and Mercy...

BESSIE: And I'm Bessie Timmons, and I'm so butch even men call me "sir".

ANN: Well, hello there! (lewd wink) Excuse me everyone, but I'm just off for a walk with my new frien -

PIPPA: And this is Castle Perilous, our new home, which is little by little getting clawed back into the earth by these horrid vines. Every day, we live in fear of it collapsing around us.

GEMMA: Oh, that's dreadful! I have so much Power here, I'm sure I could create nice living quarters for you and those other girls. I could... but I _won't_. Ha! Gotcha!

PIPPA: Who am I kidding? It _still_ sucks here. I'm leaving.

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: (rides bicycle, almost collides with KARTIK) Oh hi, Kartik. Hadn't seen you for so long, I was starting to think you'd died or something.

KARTIK: Clearly not.

GEMMA: Well, why haven't you been to see me then? Surely you must know your existence revolves around me, and you have no other purpose but to answer my every whim?

KARTIK: You know, I might have other things going on in my life besides you.

GEMMA: Hmph! (tosses head, stalks away in a huff)

(Druggy vision featuring Wilhelmina Wyatt, Raspberry Van Ripple and a certain Tree)

GEMMA: The Tree of... WHAT?

**That Night, Back In The Realms**

GEMMA: Sorry, Pip. Looks like the "Beauty Must Pass" stuff in the last book has just been retconned, and you're stuck here forever. Well, that sucks.

PIPPA: Power. NOW. Or I'll cry.

GEMMA: OK, you can have some Power! Despite betraying me earlier and making it clear you hate me, I'm sure I can trust you.

CIRCE: (from the Well) You can trust me too, Gemma.

GEMMA: No way. I'm gullible, but I'm not THAT gullible.

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: Well, what do you know - I possess the Power independently of the Realms! It flows in my veins in this world too. Great! Now I can make life sweet for Felicity, Ann and myself!

READER: So – let me just get this straight – you've just plundered a far country of all its oil, I mean "Power", and now, instead of facing up to your responsibilities to that shattered nation, you're going to use those resources solely to enrich yourself and your tiny band of friends?

GEMMA: Yup. Now watch this drive.

READER: (headdesk)

**Back in the Realms**

PIPPA: Power. NOW.

GEMMA: Okay!

FACTORY GIRLS: Can we have some Power, too?

GEMMA: Hmmm. I'm not sure I believe in handouts for the poor. You should be working, and pulling yourselves up by your own bootstraps.

FACTORY GIRLS: But you just gave a huge handout to your friend!

GEMMA: Look, I believe in keeping the Power where it's always been – with the Haves and the Have-Mores!

KRUSTY THE CENTAUR: And do you believe in ignoring the nations you invaded and ruined in order to grab that Power?

GEMMA: Sheesh! Look, the Surge is working, okay? I'm sure the Sunni and the Shia – I mean, the Forest Folk and the Untouchables – will learn how to co-operate and live in peace. Eventually.

PHILON: Did you have the faintest idea about the tribes, and their implacable hatred towards each other, before you stepped in and ruined everything?

GEMMA: Nag, nag, nag! What was I supposed to do, carry out _research_ before I interfered? YAWN! Bor-ING! Look, you just wait a little while longer, okay? Give us another fifty or so years of occupation and everything will be just great, you'll see!

**Ann, Star of the Stage (Part One)**

GEMMA: Time to use the Power for trivialities, like we always do!

NAN DRABWASH: Hey thanks Gemma, I love the new face! It helps me mind-whammy people I don't like, steal stuff from them and get away with it.

CECILY: My priceless necklace isn't real? But... it cost... so much money...

NAN DRABWASH: It's fake, I assure you. Better give it to me for safe-keeping. I can promise you you'll never see it again.

(LIBBA: I'm Libba Bray, and I approve this message.)

NAN DRABWASH: Goody, the theatre! Why hello Miss Trimble, you were ravishing as Lady Macbeth!... What? You say you're Jewish? But you don't LOOK Jewish!

GEMMA: Oh NO.

LILY TRIMBLE: You colossal schmuck.

NAN DRABWASH: Oh dear, I sense I have offended. Can I still have an audition?

THEATRE MANAGER: Hot stuff, you can have an audition on MY casting couch any time you care to name!

**That Night**

GEMMA: Oh it's you again, Kartik. What do you want?

KARTIK: If Mr Hedgehog came back and asked to see his lady friend, and said he was sorry for the delay and asked her to resume their relationship, what would she say?

GEMMA: She would say... "If you please, I am not a hedgehog. I am a woodchuck."

KARTIK: I see. And should Indian people - I mean, "hedgehogs" - stick to their own kind, or should they be allowed to have relationships with white people - I mean, "woodchucks"?

GEMMA: Wait and see what Libba's got planned for us... And considering she even thought to mention the racial difference between us, I'd be very nervous if I were you.

**At Gemma's Home**

GEMMA'S FAMILY: Moan. Whine. Misery. Gloom.

GEMMA: _IMPERIO!_

GEMMA'S FAMILY: Hahahahaha, how frightfully funny! Isn't life amusing? Braaaaains.

GEMMA: That's better.

**Back at Spence**

GEMMA: Oh dear, I strongly suspect my brother is connected with the Rakshana! How can I possibly solve this insoluble problem?

FELICITY: If you've got problems, why don't you just use the Power to spirit your enemies away to the other side of the world?

GEMMA: Erm... Because then, they'd know I had the Power!

FELICITY: And? What harm could they do to you on the other side of the world?

GEMMA: Erm... I just can't. Because. Moving swiftly on... Mademoiselle LeFarge? Could you bring the class to the Egyptian Hall sometime? We'd like to see the entertainer Raspberry Van Ripple.

MLLE LEFARGE: Absolutely not. Out of the question.

GEMMA: I don't think you heard me correctly. I said... _IMPERIO!_

MLLE. LEFARGE: Of course we must go to the Egyptian Hall. What a wonderful idea. Braaaains.

GEMMA: And now, a visit to the woods. (transforms and flies to KARTIK's tent) Hi there! I'm going to use you for sex and wipe your memory afterwards.

KARTIK: (sigh) Before there was Rohypnol, there was Gemma Doyle...

**At the Egyptian Hall**

RASPBERRY VAN RIPPLE: You want to know about my former assistant? The mad mute drug-addict?

GEMMA: That one, yes.

RASPBERRY VAN RIPPLE: She kept telling me "her sister" had gone evil and planned to destroy the world. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

**Back in the Realms**

GEMMA: Circe, despite that stuff about Wilhelmina Wyatt not trusting her Order "sister", I'm positive I can trust you to give me good advice.

CIRCE: Power. NOW.

GEMMA: Okay!

GHOST OF NELL HAWKINS: Erm, Gemma? Hello? Didn't you KILL ME in the last book rather than let her have the Power?

GEMMA: Maybe. Might have done.

GHOST OF NELL HAWKINS: If it was so crucial that Circe not have any of your Power, why are you giving her some of it now? Why didn't you just let her have it in the last book? Maybe then I wouldn't have had to _die?_

GEMMA: Oh hush you! It's not like Circe's advice was any help anyway. Oh look, it's Kartik's creepy evil brother.

AMAR: Prophecy Delivery Service. (clears throat) "Beware the Birth of May!"

GEMMA: Not terribly helpful. Could you elucidate a little more, please?

AMAR: Not really. Hmmm... Some of Libba's jokes have fallen a bit flat in this last book. Like the one about the French hedgehog. Maybe it's "Beware the Mirth of Bray"?

**Journey to the Winterlands**

GEMMA: We need to find the Tree With The Silly Name! Because if there's anything more powerful than me out here, I need to find it and nuke it – I mean, talk to it.

TALL THORNY HEDGE: (is evil and made of bones and hair)

RUSHING RIVER: (is dangerous)

DARK FOREST: (has talking zombie bodies hanging from its branches)

FELICITY: _Whose_ bright idea was it to come here again?

GEMMA: Oh look, here's the Tree!

VISION OF MRS SPENCE: Hello, Gemma. Have an infodump about the Order, followed by some serious Biblical-style temptation for all of you. Oh, and find the Dagger and bring it to me. Because you can trust me.

GEMMA: Rightyho!

**Back at Spence**

ANN: Well, I know I passed that audition as Nan Drabwash and got myself a glittering opportunity... But I don't think I want to be judged on my beautiful face. Especially as I don't actually have one.

GEMMA: Okay, we can find some way of working around that...

ANN: Nah, why should I bother? I'm giving up and going to work as an all-round drudge for my ungrateful family. Bye. (leaves)

**Midnight Rendezvous**

GEMMA: Right, Ann's gone, and we've established that Wilhelmina was Mrs Spence's niece, and that she probably stole the Magic Dagger, and now Kartik's offered to take me into London in the middle of the night. So, here I am, dressed as a man.

KARTIK: Whoa! I'd forgotten how good you look in male drag.

GEMMA: Thanks, sailor. Still planning to join the British Navy, are you?

CHORUS OF SAILORS: In the Navy! You can sail the seven seas! In the Navy! Catch venereal disease! In the Navy!...

GEMMA: I get the picture. So what's happening with the Rakshana?

FOWLSON: (appears out of the gloom) _I'm_ wot's 'appenin', darlin'. I know all about you, thanks to yer little friend Kartik there. Took a lot of torture to get it out of 'im, though!

**Two Months Previously, In A Dungeon**

KARTIK: (strapped to a torture device) Argh! No! Mercy!

FOWLSON: (whipcrack) Tell us everythin' you know!

KARTIK: Never! You can beat me like a carpet, but I'll never tell you!

FOWLSON: You know, Sahirah, this 'ere boy has to be -

KARTIK: ARRRRGH!!

FOWLSON: - the _kinkiest_ young feller I ever did see. (whipcrack) Now listen up, Studmuffin! You tell us everything about this precious Miss Doyle of yers... or I AIN'T whippin' yer namore!

KARTIK: NO! You heartless fiend!

FOWLSON: You heard me! You tell us what we need to know, or there'll be no more torture sessions for yer!

KARTIK: Please! Mercy!

FOWLSON: And I ain't bringin' out the Gimp Mask, either!

KARTIK: Gimp Mask?... I'll tell you _everything_!!

**Return to the Present**

KARTIK: That's right; I was enjoying – I mean, _enduring _– such horrible torture in Mr Fowlson's dungeon!

FOWLSON: And now I've got yer, Miss Doyle!

GEMMA: _PETRIFICUS TOTALIS!_

KARTIK: Impressive!

GEMMA: And I've just got time to turn these pebbles into jewels so the mudlarks can have some income for once in their lives. What could possibly go wrong?

(JUDGE IN A COURTROOM, ONE WEEK LATER: Assorted mudlarks, you stand accused of the crime of fraud. This jeweller alleges you sold him "rubies" which turned out to be worthless pebbles. The sentence for this crime is seven years hard labour. How do you plead?)

KARTIK: Before you go... Fancy a snog?

GEMMA: But I'm dressed as a man!

KARTIK: Really? I hadn't noticed (lewd wink)

**Seedy Side of London**

RASPBERRY VAN RIPPLE: You want Miss Wyatt's slate? It's yours for four pounds.

GEMMA: Done. And I'd spend those "pounds" as soon as possible if I were you. Just saying.

(SHOPKEEPER, ONE WEEK LATER: I can't understand this – I'm four whole pounds short on my week's takings! Someone must have stolen it! I'm ruined! RUINED! It's the debtor's prison for me and my starving children! Woe!)

**Back at Spence**

ANN: Phew! Thanks for rescuing me from Psycho Charlotte, Gemma!

FELICITY: (remembering, with a huge grin) There there... Nice roses...Don't hurt me, roses...

BAND OF TRAVELLING ACTORS: Let us entertain you with a nice pageant! All we need is a girl willing to play the sacrifice... Aha! How about YOU, my dear?

GEMMA: I sense just a little bit of foreshadowing here.

**Back in the Realms**

FOREST FOLK: Krusty the Centaur is dead! Gemma, this is all your fault!

GEMMA: My fault? What?

PHILON: Because it is! Anyway, we've seen you talking to the Untouchables at the Temple, and they probably did it, so you're guilty by association.

GEMMA: Oh, I wasn't talking to the Untouchables, I was talking to Circe!

EVERYONE: You were WHAT?

GEMMA: ...Oops.

**Back at Castle Perilous**

PIPPA: Hello darlings, what did I miss?

GEMMA: Not much. Just the fact I can do no right and everyone hates me.

PIPPA: Oh never mind that! Look, I have plenty of Power of my own! Plus a few theories about getting rid of the sick and diseased, as only the physically healthy deserve to share in my projected vision of the future.

GEMMA: I'm confused – isn't _epilepsy_ a medical condition? You know, the epilepsy _you_ happen to suffer from?

PIPPA: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Gemma dear.

WENDY: Where's my bunny? Where's Mr Darcy gone?

PIPPA: I didn't hear that either (steely glare)

GEMMA: Felicity, since I'm feeling insecure... Would you like me so much if I didn't have the Power?

FELICITY: Oh Gemma, Gemma! What a silly question! How can I possibly separate you from your Power? It's part of what makes you _you_!

GEMMA: That's like telling a millionaire you can't separate him from his oversized bank account.

FELICITY: Exactly!

ANN: Hey look, Felicity – we can get back to the Realms by ourselves! We don't need Gemma anymore!

GEMMA: Woohoo.

**Ann Gets Her Name In Lights (Second Attempt)**

ANN: Hi, Mr Smalls! Why don't I do an audition for you right here in the street? (sings)

CHARLIE SMALLS: You're in!

ANN: Yay! I have escaped the expectations of my cruel family and forged a new life for myself! See girls, you too can profit by my example!

(READER: And what an example you give us. You didn't do a stroke of work towards your dream, you just sat there and let life beat you down. It took your friends to rescue you and give you another shot at your dream – and even then, you only escaped a life of drudgery because you were _born with an amazing voice_ in the first place! What about people who _don't_ have amazing voices or other such easy talents?)

ANN: Bor-ING! Who wants to work for their living when they can spend five minutes singing and win the Victorian equivalent of _American Idol_?

(READER: You're just such a great role model, Ann. I really, really mean that.)

**Gemma Brings Kartik Into The Realms**

GEMMA: Well, I've just found that Magic Dagger everyone's going on about, but instead of taking it to Eugenia I think I'll waste yet more time. Do you like it here, Kartik?

KARTIK: Nice place! Why don't we explore the Cave of Orgasms – I mean, the Cave of Sighs?

GEMMA: Good idea!

(Hallucinatory Bollywood sequence, then shagging)

KARTIK: Was that a dream?

GEMMA: I suspect Libba doesn't want to commit on whether "it" happened or not, so I can't say.

KARTIK: Want to do it again?

GEMMA: Sure!

**Lots Of Shagging Later**

GEMMA: Oh dear, another random dead body. Shall we go head down to the Winterlands and see what's happening down there?

RAVENING CROWDS OF BEASTIES: (cheering) Two, four, six, eight, who do we eviscerate! Sacrifice! To the Tree! This gives immortality!

GEMMA: I blame Circe for this. Because.

KARTIK: So what are you going to do about it?

GEMMA: No idea. I expect I'll use my magic to force Father to see the truth about his wife and daughter. That should help. In some way.

MR DOYLE: (has a stroke and collapses)

GEMMA: That went well, I think.

**Back in the Realms **

CIRCE: So you've finally pulled your finger out and decided to do something about this mess?

GEMMA: Yes, and, whatever the solution is, I'm sure it involves killing you.

CIRCE: Teeheeheehee! (overpowers GEMMA, grabs the enchanted dagger and runs off)

(Hallucinations. Ballroom Antics. Gothic Graveyard Sequence. Possessed Ithal. Flying Gargoyles.)

GEMMA: What the name of HECK is going on?

**In the Morning**

FELICITY AND ANN: Just thought we'd tell you, we're on Pippa's side, not yours.

GEMMA: Thanks girls. With friendship like yours, sisterhood is truly beautiful.

KARTIK: Anything I can do to help?

GEMMA: Snog, please. Now.

ANN: Gemma! Gemma! Felicity's just gone into the Realms to be with Pippa, forever!

GEMMA: And I'm supposed to care because?

ANN: You're a YA heroine! You're supposed to stick loyally by your friends even when they treat you like garbage!

GEMMA: Yes, I wondered why I was wearing this "Gullible Idiot" T-shirt. OK then, back I go...

**Back in the Realms**

GEMMA: Can I smell... _burning_? (sees ruined Temple) Oh, _what_?

ASHA: They attacked us!

PHILON: We were justified!

GEMMA: I can't leave you lot alone for five minutes, can I? Sort it out yourselves, I have to go see about Felicity.

PIPPA: Why hello, Gemma! You're looking very envious this morning.

GEMMA: Shut it, Pippa. Where's Wendy's bunny?... Come to think of it, where's _Wendy?_

PIPPA: Teeheeheehee! Now, who's first for a blasphemous Communion?

(Epileptic fit. Pippa summons Wall of Fire)

FACTORY GIRLS: Ohhh, it's amazin', Miss! Wonderful! It's a sign of Divine Powers!

GEMMA: Girls, you DIED IN A FIRE. You shouldn't be _pleased_ by being surrounded by flames, you should be _terrified_!

BESSIE: Get lost, and take your stupid logic wiv yer! Me an' the girls are going ter worship Miss Pippa an' that's that.

FELICITY: Also, you have to understand, Gemma, Pippa and I love each other so very much. We have always loved each other so very much.

GEMMA: Riiight. You loved her so very much you dumped her as a friend and chose me over her when she was still alive? Sounds like true love to me.

FELICITY: OK then, I fell in love with her later, in the Realms.

GEMMA: In that case you'll have to explain to me what's so "lovable" about white eyes, a mouth full of piranha teeth and raving homicidal insanity.

FELICITY: Look, Libba just retconned, OK? Pippa and I **have always** loved each other so very much. Got that?

PIPPA: If you love me so very much, Felicity, why won't you eat the nice juicy berries and stay with me forever? (proffers)

FELICITY: Er... Libba didn't give me enough motivation to answer that one. Sorry.

**Back at Gemma's Home**

GEMMA'S FAMILY: Platitudes. Excuses. General refusal to face the facts.

GEMMA: You need to admit the truth to yourselves!!

(READER: Yes, because that worked so well with your father, didn't it?)

TOM: I've had enough. I'm off to my gentleman's club. Bye!

RANSOM NOTE: _We've got your brother. Give us the magic, or you'll get him back in little bits._

GEMMA: Oh for crying out loud! I haven't time for this (whammies everyone in the Rakshana, rescues TOM easily) Oh, one last thing... (punches TOM'S lights out)

FOWLSON: Did you really 'ave to do that?

GEMMA: No, but _damn_ it felt good.

**Rough Area of London**

(Further reappearance of Wilhelmina Wyatt. Big revelation about Eugenia Spence and the "birth of May")

GEMMA: Oh, NOW you tell me. Why couldn't you have told me this earlier? Why couldn't you have given me _the address_ to this place? And why did you keep on about your "sister" being evil when you could have said, more accurately, that it was your AUNT?

**Back at Spence**

MRS NIGHTWING: No, I don't believe you, Miss Doyle. What a lot of nonsense.

RANDOM SCHOOLGIRL: I saw pixies on the lawn last night!

MRS NIGHTWING: All right, all right, I believe you. Let's get out the chicken blood and ashes and paint the doors.

MONSTERS: We're coming for you, kiddywinks! We're coming for you! GRAARGH!

GEMMA: Time for the elite commando force to risk their lives by going outside.

MISS NIGHTWING: Good luck, Miss Doyle! (to EVERYONE ELSE) Does everyone have a cup of tea and a hymnbook? Good! Time to fight disaster the British way! One-two-_three_!

GIRLS: (singing) All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small...

**In the Realms**

(Chaos. Burning. Terror. Destruction. Shock 'n' Awe.)

ASHA: So, Evil Shape-Shifter... You faked the threat of danger in order to push us into war?

EVIL SHAPE-SHIFTER: Hey, you'd never have started fighting without it! Look at all this wonderful death and destruction! All I needed to do was notch up the terror levels, get you all frightened, and then I could relax and watch as Halliburton vacuumed up the profits!

ASHA: Dick Cheney - I mean Neela - I will not kill you personally. You'll be looking at a prison sentence in the Hague when all this is over, though.

(READER: Oh come now: that _really is_ an unbelievable wish-fulfilment fantasy.)

FELICITY: They're invading from the Winterlands! I have to go warn Pippa about the danger! (flees)

GEMMA: Can anyone remind me why I'm risking my life, and everyone else's lives, to follow Felicity again?

(SILENCE, broken occasionally by the sound of crickets)

**Back at Castle Perilous**

PIPPA: Blood! Sacrifice! Brutality! Power! Messianic Ravings!

FACTORY GIRLS: Yes, Miss Pippa. We obey unquestioningly, Miss Pippa.

GEMMA: Okay, okay, I think we've got the point that Libba doesn't like organized religion.

PIPPA: Time to do some KILLING! Who's first?

MISS McCLEETHY: Me! I sacrifice myself nobly for the sake of the Realms, the Magic and Gemma Doyle!

PIPPA: Cute. Very cute.

(Beheading ensues)

PIPPA: And that courageous and noble gesture saved Gemma's life... for about four or five minutes. Now nothing can stop me! Nothing!! The Realms will be mine! MINE!! (gets a small cut on her arm, watches as a single drop of blood falls on the vines on the floor) Oh, BUGGER.

(Castle Perilous collapses around everyone's ears, burying PIPPA forever)

GEMMA: Right, there's that problem solved. To the Winterlands! Onwards!

**The Winterlands**

KARTIK: How are we going to fight the forces of Evil? They're everywhere!

GEMMA: Good job I've seen "Spartacus", then. (casts magic) Hey, Winterlands monsters! I'm Gemma Doyle!

TRANSFORMED SUPPORTERS: No, I'm Gemma Doyle! No, I am! Me! No, me! Me!

(READER: Great thinking, Gemma – now you've put _everyone_ in danger!)

GEMMA: Whilst everyone's distracted, I'm off to kill the Tree.

TREE: Ah, but I can see through you. You're afraid! Aren't you afraid to have what you truly want? Afraid in case it's not enough after all? What happens when you have everything you ever wanted, and you're still alone?

GEMMA: Sounds like the paragraph in the diet manual where it warns you that dieting won't be enough to fix every problem in your life.

TREE: Damn! You saw through my borrowed wisdom! DIE!

CIRCE: Here Gemma, grab the Dagger! Quickly!... No, don't fall unconscious, that would be just too cliché!

**Out-Of-Body Interlude**

GEMMA: Where am I? And why is there a boat drawing up out of the mist?

THREE CREEPY WOMEN: Hello! Come with us and we promise you Glory Everlasting!

GEMMA: Hmmm. Sounds tempting.

CIRCE: Why, hello there Gemma.

GEMMA: I've just decided – I don't need Glory Everlasting right now! Circe can have it instead.

(READER: ...WHAT? You're giving a Get-Out-Of-Hell-Free Card to the woman who killed your mother?)

GEMMA: Yup!

CIRCE: Teeheeheehee! Bye now! (leaves for Paradise)

(READER: She. Killed. Your. MOTHER.)

GEMMA: Hey, that's easily forgivable!

(READER: No it isn't! And anyway, she also killed lots of other schoolgirls and basically caused this whole mess in the first place! She should be brought to justice!)

GEMMA: Look, I'm in charge and I'm allowed to give a catch-all pardon to Scooter Libby, I mean Circe, whenever I feel like it. Got that? Good. Now watch this drive.

**Back at the Battlefield**

(General confusion. Blood spillage. TREE slices open. Magic leaks out, enters KARTIK and lights him up like a Christmas store-front)

GEMMA: What the name of HECK is going on?

KARTIK: Apparently Libba has decided that I have to die, because I am but a lowly Indian male and must sacrifice myself for the white _memsahib_. So she's written me a pretty little speech where I have to state that my whole existence has led up to the inestimable privilege of giving up my life for you. Apparently that is the only reason I existed as a character. This... is my "destiny".

GEMMA: Awww, you were a terrific shag. I'll miss you.

KARTIK: Likewise. Bye now! (is swallowed by the TREE)

GEMMA: Now watch me as I plunge the Magic Dagger into the ground and give all the Power back to the Realms, instantly solving all our remaining problems!

(READER: So when the magic was "loose"in the Realms, it was a threat... and yet now you've given it back freely it's perfectly okay and not a threat at all?)

GEMMA: Look, Libba had ten hours until her deadline and needed to wrap things up _somehow_. Just accept it, okay?!

**Aftermath**

GEMMA: Just a few loose ends to tidy up now – like mind-wiping all the Spence girls so they'll never learn anything from their experience... Then I can head off to my Prom, I mean my Royal Debut...

SIMON: Hey Gemma, can you put in a good word for me with the American Mary-Sue?

GEMMA: You mean, not tell her about the time you tried to get me drunk and sexually molest me in a secluded bedroom?

SIMON: Yeah, that.

GEMMA: No problem! Everyone hates her too, so you'll be perfect for each other.

MR DOYLE: Having recovered from my stroke, I think I would like to go back to India. At my age and with my frail health, I would hate to be all alone. Perhaps one of my devoted children could come with me, to nurse me in my final days?

TOM AND GEMMA: Are you _kidding_?

MR DOYLE: Okay, your choice – just don't start whining when you find out I've spent your entire inheritance in an opium den in Bangalore. Bye!

ANN: 'Bye Gemma! Don't suppose we'll ever meet again, so cheerio!

FELICITY: 'Bye Gemma! Don't suppose we'll ever meet again, so cheerio!

GEMMA: I had such great friends. Sure, they used me for all I was worth and then abandoned me, but I shall always remember them forever. And I shall keep my "Gullible Idiot" T-shirt as a touching souvenir of my time with them.

**The Prow of a Mighty Ocean Liner**

GEMMA: And so I stand, my fiery red curls streaming behind me like a banner as I first set my eyes upon the New World...

CELINE DION: Faaaaah across the spaces... and distance... betweeeeen us... You have come to show you... Go on...

GEMMA: There she stands, the proud and extremely green Statue of Liberty. Who, I would like to remind everyone, happens to be a woman.

CELINE DION: Neeeeeaaaahhhh... Faaaaaahhhhh... WhereEVAH you AHHHHH, AH BELEEEEVE that the HEART does... Go ONNNN!!

GEMMA: I will be miserable, for about two minutes, but then I shall dry my eyes and remember that there is so much to do and see in New York. Like, Central Park. And the food! And I hear the shopping's just great, too. I can never have too many pairs of shoes.

KARTIK: Hey! What about me?

GEMMA: What _about_ you?

KARTIK: Aren't you going to find a way to get me outta this frickin' TREE?

GEMMA: Nah. You're stuck there forever, and there's no use crying over spilt milk. I've decided to move on.

KARTIK: You could at least frickin' TRY to get me out of here!!

GEMMA: Look, just accept it, OK? You sacrificed yourself, thanks very much, but I can't keep thinking about it any more. I've got my own life to lead now.

CELINE DION: You'll... Stay... ForEVAH THIS WAY!

GEMMA: Yes, you tell him, Celine! Now stop pestering me and get back to repeating my name endlessly when the wind blows through your branches. Like I said before, I just can't get enough of that obsequious worship.

(READER: This was a sucky, sucky end to the series.)

(LIBBA: Sucky? But I made this a masterpiece of literature! It has five acts, and meaningful quotes at the start of every section! Remember, "you must be the change you want to see in the world"!)

(READER: Riiiight. You just wrote a book where the working-classes are uniformly shown as stupid, ignorant and gullible followers of the wealthier classes! A book where you give us a lesbian relationship... but they can never find happiness because _one of the lesbians turns evil and dies_! A book where you give us a mixed-race relationship... but at the end we find out it's _actually a employer/servant relationship_, in which the darker-skinned person runs around at the beck and call of the lighter-skinned one and finally sacrifices his life for hers! Because obviously HIS life is less important than HER life! Tell me, Libba, tell me honestly – is this REALLY the change you want to see in the world?)

**THE END**

**...And, if you want one:**

**Fandom Postscript**

KARTIK: Gemma? Gemma? Hello?... Bueller? Is ANYONE gonna help me out here?!

FANDOM: (collectively write 5674 million fanfics in which Kartik is released from that frickin' tree)

KARTIK: Hooray, I'm free! OK, ladies, I am entirely at your disposal.

FANDOM: Well well well... What_ shall _we do with the drunken sailor?

KARTIK: I have a few ideas.

FANDOM: Would these ideas involve you, all of us and a huge bottle of Viagra?

KARTIK: (lewd wink) Might do.

**(REALLY) THE END.**


End file.
